


Through the Pain

by orphan_account



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Angst, Arrest, DUI, Death, Domestic Violence, F/M, Gen, Homophobia, Homophobic Slurs, M/M, Police Brutality, Pregnancy, Racism, Sex, Suicide Attempt, Violence, dope dealing, drug paraphanelia, drug usage, marajuana usage, out bursts, under age
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-04-10
Updated: 2015-04-10
Packaged: 2018-03-22 04:07:33
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Underage
Chapters: 2
Words: 3,877
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3714391
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Dean Winchester spiraled out of control when his dad died. At fifteen he, and his younger brother Sam, are placed in the care of Bobby Singer, close friend of the family and surrogate father. But Dean becomes too much for Bobby to handle and after a nervous breakdown, Bobby sends him to the hospital for a much needed break and grief counseling. It's there he meets Missouri Mosely, a kind African American woman, who takes Dean under her wing and invites him into her home. </p><p>Enter Castiel Milton. A shy freshman at Fremont High, he's constantly bullied for being gay and is surprised when the new guy comes to him and befriends him. He's never met anyone like Dean and friendship turns to affection. </p><p>Through pain and circumstances both of them learn family isn't always blood and true love is never wrong.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Prologue

**Author's Note:**

> This story is loosely based on my own expeciences and my mothers. and it is dedicated to my Granny, who didn't see my mother as 'just another white girl' but saw her as a daughter and raised her as such. 
> 
> Triggers: there is a suicide attempt in this prologue. Sorry if it seems rushed, I had a hard time finding words. The rest of the fic will be better. Enjoy.

"Take care of Sammy. Make me proud." John squeezed Dean's hand. The heart monitor slowed and John took a deep breath, eyes locked on his son's. Dean watched him. He saw when the soul left the body and he knew when his dad was gone. 

His dad had, had cancer. Twice. The first time he fought it and won. It'd been cause for celebration in the Winchester family. Dean and his little brother had already lost one parent. They didn't want to lose another. But it came back, and it hit their father harder than ever. John had been brave, all the way up to the end. It was a Saturday, the sun was shining and birds were singing. But Dean felt as though it was raining. The color of his life started fading out. Everything dulled. 

He didn't call a nurse. Dean didn't make a sound, instead he pulled down the rail and climbed onto the bed, curling around his father's body and burying his face in the older man's shoulder. His skin wasn't cold yet, and he still smelled like whiskey and after shave. Dean cried into the hospital gown on his father's shoulder. Clutching him tightly and refusing to let go. 

-0-

The funeral was short and sweet. A lot of people Dean didn't know showed up. His dad had been s popular mechanic and everyone offered their condolences. Dean didn't hear them, nor did he care. His dad was dead and he wouldn't move on. He couldn't smile and be happy, not when life can go so easily wrong. Not when it was so easy for life to be snatched away. No, he didn't want to hope anymore. He was more realistic than that. His dad had been so young still, still so much he hadn't seen or done and it was taken from him. Stolen. So Dean refused to move on. He'd never forget his dad. Pay his respects and leave. Dean was a good son and his duty was to his father. 

Which was why he was mad at Sam and Uncle Bobby. Don't get it twisted, he was grateful as hell that He And Sam didn't go into the system and get separated. He was mad they were moving on and he couldn't. And he hated them for it.

The first few days they were melancholy, Sam hardly spoke and Dean took comfort in the pain. But then it changed, Sam started smiling, Uncle Bobby laughed. They reminisced about John and shared in thoughts of him reunited with their mother. Dean was hurt and angered by this. Dad was gone. And never coming back. Did they realize that? 

Dean felt like a burden. He died when Sam tried to comfort him, the look on his little brother's face hurt more but he couldn't bare to let Sam shoulder his pain. So he rejected the eleven year olds attempts at affection, pushing him away. 

Bobby tried talking but there was nothing to say. The rain poured in his heart and he continued mourning, honering his father by not letting go. Bobby didn't need this. He'd already done so much. Dean was just in everyone's way. They'd be happier without them. That's when he decided. 

He would take Bobby's sleeping pills and die Friday night.

Sam and Bobby weren't supposed to be home. That's why Dean chose this day to do this. To give up and make his exit. They would be out with Ellen Harvelle and her daughter Jo, laughing at the movies and enjoying each other. That way Dean could go quietly. 

He swallowed the pills, chasing them down with vodka from the liquor cabinet. The defects were almost instantaneous. He felt dizzy and lightheaded. He smiled, he could leave the world quietly after all. 

It didn't work out that way.

Bobby can home early. He stood now, in the doorway with Ellen. Jo and Sam weren't with them, Dean could hear them outside. The sun was still out, they were playing.. The pill bottle in Dean's hand fell to the floor, he felt dizzy, everything spun. The last thing he saw was Ellen rushing towards him. 

-0-

"DEAN!" Sam's head snapped up and his hands froze over Jo. Ellen's voice had been desperate, scared, something wasn't right. He felt uneasy as he got off Jo. She reached out and held onto his arm. 

"Is Dean okay?" Jo's voice was high and nervous. Sam shrugged and squeezed her hand as they stepped towards the house hesitantly. 

What Sam saw would scar him forever. 

Uncle Bobby was on the phone, screaming at someone to send an ambulance. Aunt Ellen was on the floor. With Dean.

Her fingers were in his mouth, twisting and turning, he gagged, acidic stuff spilled out of his mouth into Aunt Ellen's fingers. She was crying and rubbing his back, he was unresponsive. 

A million things hit Sam at once. Pain. Fear. Remorse. Guilt. Anger. But the strongest thing he felt was love. Love for his brother and desperation not to lose him. 

Sam ran to Aunt Ellen, sobbing and clutching at his big brother. They willed the ambulance to hurry. 

-0-

Dean felt light. His throat hurt but he felt weightless, like he was floating. He groaned and shifted, something soft moved beneath him. He must be dead. There was no pain. 

He didn't remember much. He thought he saw Aunt Ellen and Uncle Bonby, but they couldn't be. They'd taken Sam and Jo to the movies. It was his mind playing tricks, he was dead and now Sam and Uncle Bobby could be happy. He was out of the way. 

He was disappointed however, when he opened his eyes to see he was in a hospital room alone. He scoffed. Figures, only he could fuck up dying. He wondered where Uncle Bobby was, but his thoughts were cut short when a plump little African American woman walked into the room, dressed in nurse scrubs. 

"Finally decided to join us," she chuckled walking over and checking his vitals. Her eyes were a light milk chocolate brown and her smile was kind. Dean tried to reply but his voice was hoarse, it hurt to breathe. "We had to pump your stomach. You took a lot of pills baby boy. Your family was worried sick." She must seen the panic in Dean's eyes because she quickly added, "they're still here. They down stairs gettin food. Had to drag your little brother. I tell you what, I ain't never seen a kid be so defiant. He ain't wanna leave you at all," she smiled to herself and Dean couldn't help but feel guilty. A lump formed in his throat, he tried to swallow it down. 

He started thinking about Sammy. He'd already lost both parents. If Dean had died Sam would have nothing. He'd be alone. If he died no one would be left that understood him completely. No one knew the kid as well as he did. 

Then he thought of Uncle Bobby, the surrogate father, the man who'd already buried his wife and his best friends. If Dean had died, Bobby would be forced to bury his son too. 

Tears blurred his vision and he tried to blink them away. He felt bad. Real bad. But he still wanted to die. That selfish part of him that wouldn't let go of his father. The part that wanted to die with him. 

The Nurse, Nurse Mosely was what her name tag read, reached out and wiped at the tears that started to fall silently from Dean's eyes. She looked at him, not with pity, but with understanding. 

"Oh baby. When was the last time someone told you you was important? Didn't you know people died so you could live free today? Oh you kids today. Got so much to live for and you don't even know it." 

She reached up and ran her fingers through his hair, sitting on the edge of the hospital bed. Dean closed his eyes and groaned at the touch. It'd been a long time since he felt affection like that. It made him cry harder. And he surprised both of them when he reached up and wrapped his arms around her, burying his face in her shoulder. 

She rocked him slowly as he sobbed, all the walls he built breaking down, he felt safe. And comforted for what felt like the first time in years. She stroked his back and cooed gently, waiting for him to calm down. He shuddered as hiccups broke through him and he mumbled quietly into her scrubs: 

"I just miss my Dad


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> There is awkward tension in this chapter towards the end and a little bit of racism. Things will progress a little easier from here on out. Please let me know what you guys think. Is this worth pursuing? Let me know! Thank you :)

_**Spring 1991:** _

“Dean!” Sam threw himself at his brother when he came back to the room and saw that Dean was awake. Ms. Mosely had calmed Dean down and now sat with him, talking leisurely. She had moved when Sam came in though, barreling into his brother and hugging him tightly. Dean wrapped his arms around Sam and buried his face in his little brother’s neck.

“H-Hey Sammy,” he licked his lips. His throat was still sore, even though Ms. Mosely had given him some water. Sam pulled away from Dean and grabbed his face in his little hands.

“Don’t you do that again! I need you! What was I supposed to do if you died! You can’t leave me!” Dean blinked back tears and bit his lip. Sam’s eyes were red and puffy, snot ran out of his nose and down his chin and his hands shook against Dean’s cheeks. Dean reached up and ruffled Sam’s hair, trying to comfort him.

“I….I’m sorry Sammy.” Sam just hugged him again, tighter, as though he were afraid Dean would disappear. Dean looked over Sam’s shoulder to see Bobby coming toward him. He flinched when Bobby raised his hand, afraid of the well deserved smack he thought was coming. Instead Bobby threaded his own fingers through Dean’s hair and leaned down to kiss his head.

“Gave us quite a scare boy. You’re glad I don’t kill you myself.” Dean reached out and grabbed the fabric of Bobby’s coat, pulling him close. Bobby wrapped his arms around both his boys, they held each other tight for a moment.

“Dean? Dean I’m gonna go alright honey?” he pulled away from the embrace abruptly to see Ms. Mosely backing towards the door, not wanting to intrude on their family moment. He panicked for a moment. He shook his head.

“You can’t stay?” he coughed, trying to clear his throat and raise his voice a little louder. She smiled kindly.

“I got my own babies I need to get home too honey. But I’ll come visit you tomorrow. Ya’ll have a good night now,” Sam waved good bye and Bobby said “thank you” when she took her exit.

“What were you thinking?” Bobby asked gently when the nurse was gone. Dean shrugged, holding Sammy tighter. Sam let him, hoping to show Dean just how much he loved him. Sam was so scared. Dean was his hero. He was the strongest person he knew.

“I...I didn’t want to burden you guys anymore….I thought you’d be better off without me and….And I missed Dad,” Bobby leaned forward and kissed Dean again. Not one for chick flick moments, he knew Dean needed the affection right now. He had never seen the boy look so broken and defeated before. It hurt that he couldn’t help him.

“But do you really think your Dad would want you to be unhappy?” Dean shook his head, not trusting his voice. “Buddy you have to move on. You have to let him go.”

“I-I c-can’t.” he choked the words out, the lump in his throat sliding up and ready to burst. His face felt hot and his eyes hurt. He had a headache and he wanted to lay back down. His body hurt.

“We’ll help you Dean.You just have to talk to us,” that was Sammy, smiling up at his big brother and reaching to peck his brother on the cheek. Dean smiled wearily, allowing them to pet him and care for him. It felt good to have the affection he was lacking, he only wished he could return it.

“They want you to stay here for a couple days, give ya some counseling and time to rest. After that they’ll see if you’re ready to come home.” Dean nodded. He didn’t like hospitals, but he put himself here, and he wouldn’t be alone, Ms. Mosely would be here with him.

“I guess….I guess if that’s what I have to do….” Bobby got up and pulled a reluctant Sam away from Dean, Dean settle back down against the bed as Ellen finally came up and kissed his forehead.

“Next time you pull something like this I’ll beat your ass boy,” he smiled at the threat and nodded, fist bumping Jo before they left his room. Bobby shut the light off, leaving Dean alone in the darkness.

-0-

_Dean was running. He had to get away, something was chasing him. He was in a dark cluster of woods, twigs snapped under his feet and leaves crunched. No matter how fast he ran he couldn’t get away. They light that he saw, far ahead of him, got further and further away. He was falling behind. They were going to get him. He was free falling…._

-0-

Dean woke with a start, eyes darting around the empty hospital room, readjusting to his settings. He felt himself, pinched his arm and pulled his hair, just to make sure he was still alive, and only settled when he determined that he was. His body trembled and sweat perspired on his forehead. He focused, squinting his eyes and trying to remember the dream, what had happened to strike such fear in his heart. he couldn't remember. Not like he really got a chance to think about it either.

“Well Dean you’re not crazy, but you do have severe clinical depression.” Dean furrowed his eyebrow. The doctor assigned to him was kinda weird. He had large, thick rimmed glasses that made his eyes look twice their size, hair plugs to hide the fact he was bald, and an inhaler he took from his pocket every few minutes. Dean had requested Ms. Mosely come sit with him when the doctor came in. (More like he refused to listen to him until she was there. She was the only person in the whole damn hospital that he trusted.) She squeezed his hand and rubbed her thumb over his knuckles.

“Wha-what is that?” Dean asked honestly. The doctor snorted, as if he should already know.

“You can’t function normally because you feel, unimportant, sad, hopeless, to the point where it affects your day to day activities. We’re going to put you on Zoloft, it’s a medication that will balance the chemical imbalance in your brain. It will help you function normally and well. That and counseling should help you get back on your feet and to your life in no time.”

“So..So I have to stay here?” the doctor shook his head, looking down at Dean’s medical charts.

“No, you’ll be released into Bobby Singer’s care tomorrow. However, we’ll see you back here tuesday for your first meeting with a counselor.” his lips spread thin over his teeth as he attempted to smile. The doctor nodded towards Ms. Mosely before leaving.

“Well Dean, you ready to go back out into the world?” Ms. Mosely’s voice was light and joking, but Dean felt anxiety creeping up his spine. He wasn’t ready. he didn’t want to go back to that house. Not yet. He felt so loved and undeserving of that love….he just wasn’t ready to really face his brother or Bobby.

Dean’s heart monitor sped up and Ms. Mosely reached over, she rubbed his back and ran her fingers through his hair, trying to calm him down, he leaned into her touch instantly. he had never experienced such motherly affection or love, at least not in a long time and he never knew just how bad he craved it. Those simple, ‘I’m here. I got you’ touches.

“I can’t go back there,” he mumbled staring at the white sheets he was laying under. His leg twitched, he liked the feel of the soft fabric rubbing against his legs. it felt good. “I’m not ready to face them yet….Not really.” Ms. Mosely wrapped her arms around Dean and he laid her head on  his chest, trying to breathe evenly and not panic. She rocked him, humming softly.

“You know boy...I think you need a change of scenery. A little time on your own away from all the crap you gone through. Everybody gets to a point where they need a break and ain’t nothin wrong with that baby.” Dean nodded, sniffling. Maybe he did need to check out for a while, take a break from things and sort himself out. He needed time to himself.

“C-Could I stay with you?” his voice was small, barely a whisper, he half hoped she didn’t hear him. But she chuckled and rubbed his arm.

“You sure you wanna stay with me? It ain’t gon’ be no breeze in the park. you gon’’ have to do some work and help out.” he pulled away from the Nurse he had befriended and studied her face. Her round brown eyes and dark hair. And the more he thought about it, the easier the decision became.

“You said yourself I need a change of scenery. Well, I think I do too. You gave a damn yesterday, when no one else was here. I think….I think I need you to help me.” Ms. Mosely smiled.

“Dean Winchester. Boy I tell ya, you is somethin’ else.”

-0-

Sam could hear Uncle Bobby on the phone in the other room. He didn’t like to eavesdrop but Uncle Bobby was talking to the hospital. That meant he was talking about Dean.

“I don’t know. You seem nice enough but what about Sam,” Sam’s heart sped up, his hands felt clammy and he wiped his palms on his jeans. he wondered who Uncle Bobby was talking to.

“Right well….Yeah I agree with you on that….I suppose that would be the right thing to do…..If he’s okay with it then I am too….right can I talk to him.” sam jumped up at that. He’d been waiting all day to talk to Dean and Uncle Bobby wouldn’t turn him down. Sam ran into the kitchen and slid across the tiled floor, coming to a stop in front of his Uncle. Bobby glanced at him and turned his back. Sam looked at him confused.

“Dean….you do?.....I don’t care boy it’s up to you. But if you wanna come home you can do that at anytime….right. Yes Sammy will be alright….Oh for crying out loud take care of yourself Dean! Don’t worry about Sam, I got him. Okay. I’ll drop off some clothes for you later.” Uncle Bobby hung up without giving Sam the phone. Sam felt nervous.

“Uncle Bobby what’s going on?” Sam’s voice was quiet. he was afraid, “Is Dean coming home?” Bobby sighed and shook his head. Sam’s lip quivered and he bit it, to keep the sob inside. He didn’t want to cry in front of Bobby. Not again.

“No Sammy Dean….Dean’s taking a vacation.”

“A vacation?”

“Yeah.”

“Why can’t I go?” Sam pursed his lips deep in thought. Maybe it was only a trip teenagers could go on. he remembered how Dean used to get angry when Sam followed him everywhere. He smiled because Dean acted mad but he actually loved the attention Sam gave him.

“You can't go...Because it’s something Dean needs to do on his own. So he can get better and come home and take care of you and this old man here,” Sam laughed at Uncle Bobby as he gestured to himself. He supposed if it meant Dean would get better he would be okay with that.

“Okay I guess. As long as Dean calls….can we order pizza!?” Uncle Bobby chuckled and ruffled Sam’s hair.

“Sure kid, go get the phone book.”

-0-

Dean had never been to this side of town before. It was a little more run down, people sat outside on their porches, on the hods of their cars, smoking and drinking, just talking and being in each other’s company. Dean felt nervous.

Ms. Mosely pulled up to a big blue house. There were lawn chairs outside, scattered around and someone was barbecuing out front. The door to the house was open and people came and went as the pleased. She shut the car off and turned to him. “You okay boy? Bet you ain’t neva seen so many black people in one spot huh?” Dean shook his head. He felt out of place and that made him uncomfortable, but Ms. Mosely was there and she promised nothing would happen to him. He opened the door and stepped out into the open.

People quieted as they walked up towards the house, Dean felt eyes watching him warily, wondering what Ms. Mosely was doing with him. She led him up to the house and held the door for him, only to shake her head with a  small smile and go in first. The inside of the house was smaller, but people were all over, sitting, standing and eating. It smelled good, Dean’s mouth watered on instinct alone.

“Come on boy,” Ms. Mosely held out her hand and Dean took it, she pulled him up to her side. He stood next to her nervous and a little intimidated. People stopped talking and turned their eyes on him. “Everybody! This is my son. Dean.” Dean felt his ears heat up and he looked at the floor. ms. Mosely had called him her son. She was taking responsibility for him. Nobody spoke. He’d never felt so alone than he did now. He wondered if this was how they felt back when segregation was legal. He rolled on the balls of his feet and kept his eyes to the floor.

It felt like hours of silence, until he felt a shaky hand on his shoulder. He looked up into the eyes of an older woman, her back was curved and her face was withered, skin folding over on itself, but her eyes were bright and alive. “Hello Dean. I’m your Grandmama Anne.” She leaned forward and kissed the boy on the cheek. “Ain’t that somethin’. I gots me anotha grandson. You welcome to anythin’ in this house you hear?” Dean nodded and the older woman grinned.

  
People started talking again and Dean was ushered forward, further into the house. Grandmama Anne asked if he was hungry and he was fed until he felt he would burst. People came to him, asking him questions and trying to engage him in conversation. It became easier, and the more welcome he felt, the more at home he started to feel. Everything was warm and inviting and for the first time in weeks, his dad and his grief were far from his mind.


End file.
